With the recent death of Soul Train creator and entertainment pioneer, Don Cornelius, I’ve seen a lot of conversations around the “taboo” of suicide. When I first heard that Don died of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head, I made sure to steer clear of the conversation. More often that not, in the wake of a tragedy, social media becomes dangerous ground full of preconceived notions, half-cocked opinions treated as facts, and an utter lack of empathy. On most days, I can navigate the mine fields without incident, but as the survivor of a suicide attempt, I knew that the wrong words about Mr. Cornelius’ death would push my buttons.
Why I Quit Dreaming
*Disclaimer: For those in the know, the entendre in this title isn’t lost on me, but it was not intended.
“I think I want to give up dreaming,” I spoke into the speakerphone of my HTC Evo Shift.
His voice was heavy with confusion. “You wanna do what?”
“I know, I know. It sounds like I’m going all Phonte on you, but hear me out…”
“Um. Okaaaay…”
Mental Monday – You’re Not the Boss of Me!!
I think the most important lesson I learned in therapy was that I could control my mind.
The first time I heard it, I thought to myself “Bullshit.” My mind was a dark, dangerous place. I liken my fear of it to Macauley Caulkin’s fear of the furnace in the basement in Home Alone. My fear was justified. Imagine how terrifying it is to be left in the fetal position on your bedroom floor, crying your eyes out, feeling like someone just literally whooped your ass as a result of your own thoughts. The idea that I could not only face my mind, but actually conquer and control it? Nah. I needed hardcore evidence to buy into that.
But as I paid more attention in therapy, I eventually understood. The mind works like a computer and controlling it is a game of input and output. In the long run, your thoughts will shape your reality so mental wellness relies upon ones ability to keep their mind in check. It requires that you square up with your mind and proudly proclaim: “You’re not the boss of me.”
Mental Monday – Making It Work
When I look back at my experiences with depression, I’d say that I spent the majority of my life “battling” it. Back then, treating it like a bully that I had to get in the ring and defeat was the analogy that worked best for me. I was an overachiever, bred to be a winner. The image of standing with my back against the wall and arms swinging full force was a powerful one that pushed me through the months immediately following my suicide attempt.
