The journey, really, has just begun.
People who have been following me for awhile know all about my struggles. You all know that life literally knocked me on my ass this year and the last 10 months have been all about regaining my footing.
After my suicide attempt, I tabled every goal I had. I had one focus and one focus only: Get well and stay well.
In the meantime, I’ve done some pretty cool stuff. I’ve developed a more sound relationship with God. I’ve created the relationship of my dreams with a guy who is truly my homie/partner/lover among a million other things. I’ve started my online mag, Polished Cleveland Magazine, and my writing has gotten a billion times better. I’ve even become a bit of a thought leader among my peers. People seem to really be interested in my perspective on everything from music to sports to politics, which is still so funny to me. The idea that my thoughts hold importance anywhere outside of my own head is wild! Lol. I’ve even had people hit me up and tell me that something I said helped or inspired them, which is so humbling and truly the greatest reward I could possibly receive.
What I have figured out recently is that wellness is more about adopting a lifestyle than it is about setting an arbitrary date for when something should be accomplished. And so while many of you (and sometimes myself) have looked at my progress and said, “Wow, she’s made it.” I look at it and see, “I’ve come so far. But I still have so far to go.”
Getting up after my fall has been such a process. The first stage of which was establishing a foundation for keeping my peace of mind. I needed a mental and emotional place that I could always come back to so that I’d never again be as desperate or as fargone as I was when I tried to kill myself. What I’m learning is that it is sooo easy to become complaicent after overcoming a major hurdle. And while I’ve broken down some major barriers in my life, the work is not done. You never really “make it.” Life is a constant journey of transitions so while I’m proud of myself for who I’ve become in the last 10 months, I still have to recognize that I have much more to do.
Prior to my breakdown, my motivation was the typical cookie-cutter goals that 20somethings set for themselves. Clear consumer debt by this age. Own a home by that age. Get some kind of Master’s degree because you need to make more money. Be published by this time. It’s no wonder I ended up in a looney bin. These things are nice, but they shouldn’t be a person’s reason for living.
Now, I have one true goal. And that is to live well. Which means that I have to master every stage of life. Do I enjoy living with my mother or the drastic pay cut I’ve taken since losing my job? Nope. But until I can learn how to responsibly create happiness and abundance in these circumstances, I won’t advance to anything else. I will master my wrecked finances, my difficult relationship with my mother, and become the bomb ass secretary/administrative assistant because that’s where I am in life right now. I will confront my fears and anxieties (namely driving, which though I’m licensed and capable of, scares the living daylights out of me) one day at a time until they’re non-existent. I will do these things at my own pace, but they will get done.
