Jan
07

Do Not Enter

“I don’t claim to know much. Except soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren’t you, it gets harder to bloom…” – Sara Bareilles

“This is so odd to me. Every Libra I know but you is like “OMG. I love love.” – My friend JG in reference to me.

So here’s a confession: I actually like love. I bawl at weddings and at the ends of most romantic comedies. Catch me watching Sons of Anarchy and I cheer fanatically for the main character Jax and his love interest Tara Knowles. Two of my favorite all-time movies are Love Jones and Love, Actually. I adore love songs. Not the subtle kind but sweeping 80s pop ballads (Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do?” Oh my God. Don’t get me started.) and just about every “I’ll swallow rusty nails for you” Monica song. I swoon for a small handful of celebrity couples. There’s of course Jay/Bey and Dwyane/Gabby. Additionally, there is the music journalism tandem that is Elliot Wilson and Danyel Smith, and Sons of Anarchy creator Kurt Sutter and his wife and lead actress on the show, Katey Segal.

I love my friends in love. The best day of 2012 hands down was when I had the honor of serving as bridesmaid in my girl Shay’s wedding. I quietly hope for the day either CT or Tisha grants me the privilege of giving a heartfelt Maid of Honor toast at one of their wedding receptions. A few weeks ago, I lost all my thug when my homegirl JG sent me the link to her wedding website.

Love on its own? Awesome. Me, in love? Not so much.

Some people fall in love. I disappear in it.

I’ve exchanged “I love yous” twice in my 20s. The first time with someone who was completely unavailable (I take like 75% of the blame for that train wreck). The second with CJ. In each instance I recall standing outside of myself watching as I voluntarily checked everything I loved about myself at the door. Though neither of these men were perfect, or even “good,” by conventional standards, I want to stress that neither of them required this of me. In fact, they both grew to find it pretty unattractive. The cool, confident, spunky me that men fall for loses to clingy, melodramatic, accommodating-to-the-point-of-doormat me whenever love enters the mix. I held on to both of these sinking ships for dear life, my salvation only coming when Life intervened and tossed me, unwillingly onto safe, dry land. You’d think I’d be grateful for this, but no. It took quite sometime for me to accept that sunshine and oxygen were better than the stormy rivers and lakes I was used to.

Then came the fun part where I stood in the mirror, scalpel in hand, trying to determine which surviving pieces were mine and which were theirs. Then the surgical removal of their parts. Then the months spent in post-op recovery.

I realized after CJ that I don’t wear love well. Love wears me out, leaving me unrecognizable to myself long after it’s gone. I told myself that if adulthood was indeed about hard compromises, I would choose to be alone, with myself over in love, without myself every time.

I’m not foolish enough to believe I can outrun love forever. Listening to “Big Pimpin’” anytime after 2002 was and is a constant reminder that anyone can fall. But if love wants me it will have to catch me in the streets and knock me out from behind.

Because that bitch is not welcome in my house.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com taut_7

    great post. i also love love. i felt that way for a while in my 20s. as a late bloomer i didn’t have my first girlfriend till i was 20. my LBs used to call me the all-american boyfriend because of how proudly i wore my love. instead of taking advantage of being the mr. of my university, a neophyte que and in multiple organizations around campus i thrived in my relationship. it wasn’t until real heartbreak that i became jaded and second guessed whether love was for me… fast forward years later i realized that although love may be a challenge at times its supposed to bring out the best in you. with that said the wise joe budden said:

    “real niggas don’t fall in love, we stand up in it.”

  • http://twitter.com/muzeness S.Nicole, aka Muze

    been there. not fun. i’ve diminished myself voluntarily in relationships, lost myself and became an entirely different person, and was once swallowed up in a love so big i couldn’t think without his thoughts masquerading as my own.

    but then. lol.

    i still find myself checking myself to make sure i’m still me. lol. but it is possible. and it WILL happen to your ass. lol. just know that.

  • Ashley

    love this post! I too love, love. For me it’s about ensuring that Im truly in love with people and not with the idea of love.

  • Hazeleyedteach

    I always say that I live in black and white and love is a shade of grey. I admire it from afar. I even say “I want that!” Then, once it’s in my face I’m usually like eh… makes my plans for marriage a tad bit sketchy lol.

  • Hunger4More

    glad it’s not just me who finds herself lost in the sea of that shit. I fell in love with my HS boyfriend. and went crazy for and over him until he kicked my ass to the curb in ’09. I thank God that he did it, b/c I’d probably be one of those crazy married 20somethings walking around trying to prove to everyone that we’re the happiest couple alive. And I’d be dead on the inside. That being said…I too, love love for everyone else but myself…I don’t trust that broad farther than I can throw air. Ha. Good luck SBG, Good luck. :)

  • Cake Mixture

    Nice

  • Barefootcountessa

    You have a way with words…diggin all of that. Love??…it’s one of
    those words that can literally leave someone on the edge. I don’t seem
    to learn my lesson slippery tongue too quick to declare my love for
    people I realise later don’t and didn’t deserve the emotional deposit
    from my bank.

    Hey we all live and eventually learn once we pick ourselves back up.

Go back to top