Sep
21

Skinny Bits: The Single Edition

Thanks to @KiaJD, whom I consider my spirit animal and one of my favorite people on Twitter, I learned that this week was Unmarried and Single Americans Week. My first thought was Wow! We have a week!? Then I realized it was Friday and I’d missed the chance to celebrate.

I’ve decided then, to dedicate today’s Skinny Bits to random thoughts on single life.

I have a friend that a lot of my readers know as @BitchUJusMad (she has a hilarious blog about her life as a wife and stay at home mother www.bitchujusmad.com). While we’ve shared some common experiences in our past that give us a unique bond, we couldn’t be more opposite. She’s an Aries. I’m a Libra. We like each other but feel that our respective signs are best kept far away from each other. She’s a conservative. I’m a liberal. She believes in traditional gender roles, while said roles give me hives. And as previously stated, she is a 20something married stay-at-home mother of twins (her wedding was one of the more awesome moments of my summer) and I’m a childless, significant other-less working single gal. The moments we agree are monumental because they’re so few and far between.

The other night, she questioned where do “Independent bitches” (I tell myself she means this lovingly whenever I read it on my timeline) find their fulfillment. She recounted an evening where she made the twins’ favorite meal and was delighted when even her hubby noticed she’d done something new with the recipe. This, she said, made her feel purposeful and appreciated and she didn’t know how a paycheck or a fly pair of shoes could replace that feeling. “Success can’t warm your ice cold heart.”

I replied to her that I find my happiness in a quiet home. I love that feeling of sitting on my couch in my sweats after putting in my eight hours and knowing that I don’t have to do anything for anyone who isn’t named Robyn for the rest of the day. I also noted that I’m satisfied by my freedom. I can spend an hour G-chatting a male homey about life and the intricacies of Hov lyrics and the Giants pass rush and do so without explaining who I’m talking to or why I’m laughing so hard. Or I can shut everything off and not speak to anyone because I’m just not in the mood. And I don’t have to pick up any socks off my floor that don’t belong to me. (I have this thing about men and their footwear. Don’t ask.) I like payday because I like knowing that I can pay my bills. And every morning I wake up to my 880 sq ft on Cleveland’s West Side and smile at the thought that this is all mine.

I like quiet. I like my space. I like being in charge unless I’m in bed or bent over some hard surface. These things don’t lend themselves to children or husbands.

Then, last night, my dear friend @MF_Greatest dropped an article from The Atlantic written by author of The Purity Myth, Jessica Valenti, called Not Wanting Kids is Entirely Normal. There was a passage that pinpointed my exact fears with marriage and motherhood:

The overwhelming sentiment, however was the feeling of a loss of self, the terrifying reality that their lives had been subsumed into the needs of their child. DS wrote, ‘I feel like I have completely lost any thing that was me. I never imagined having children and putting myself aside would make me feel this bad.’ The expectation of total motherhood is bad enough, having to live it out every day is soul crushing. Everything that made us an individual, that made us unique, no longer matters. It’s our role as a mother that defines us.

@MF_Greatest summed it up beautifully when she tweeted: “I just don’t want to be drained. Or drowned. And I’m not changing my last name.”

Because when you dedicate great periods of time to accepting and becoming yourself, you tend to feel a bit queasy when someone demands that you be and answer to something/someone else.

And I’m not at all sold that I’m supposed to be anyone’s “everything” or shouldering another person with the responsibility of being mine.

If I’m to lay myself bare and be completely honest: it does become disheartening to repeatedly hear that my desire to hold on to myself is emasculating and thus makes me unlovable.

But when presented with the option of being lonely versus being without myself?

I’ll be here alone, countin’ out, like yeah, the lonely wins.

  • RealGoesRight

    +1 for Skyzoo. +2 Cuz you said “sweatpants” and “pass rush.”

    I read the entire thing between you and Maya and I felt some sort of way honestly. Not because I think you guys are wrong, but moreso because I guess I never thought women had to do all of that just to be married.

    I realize I’m not traditional though. I still think there’s a way for a woman to be everything she wants to be…and still be married. It just takes alot of work from both parties. I don’t know…it seems like men want women to fit into a box…and all I want is for my woman to be happy. In catering to her happiness I know it’ll be better for me because no man is happy with an unhappy woman.

    *shrugs*

    Having to go through as much as you guys do and then feeling like being married and having kids is giving up all that self discovery? When you look at it like that, I completely understand why marriage and relationships don’t look all that appealing at all. So I felt everything you guys were saying and I guess I only didn’t agree because it never crossed my mine that shit could be like that for women.

    I was riding out with Maya until she hit that last name change though…I don’t have a reasonable, noncaveman like explanation as to why you can’t keep your last name…I really don’t. But for me? That shit’s gotta change.

    And I don’t wanna hear any lip about it either lol

    Peace.

    • http://theskinnyblackgirl.com Skinny Black Girl

      You know, I noticed when you went on your indirect rant about this last night and decided to just let you cook. Lol.

      And perhaps there is a way for a woman to be who she wants to be and have a person who loves her just as she is. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? It’s hard to remember that though when women like me and Maya are bombarded with narratives about why being who we are makes us defective or less than or not even womanly. (I can’t tell you how often I’ve been accused of having a penis. If I did, I’m sure it’d be a big one, but alas, I do not.)

      I’m allowing room for time and experience to change my mind. I’m only 28, which is still young in the grand scheme of things. But looking out at the current terrain of men who are looking to absorb a woman and plant his seed? It doesn’t look too hopeful for the kid, even if I do decide that I want to get involved for the long haul.

      So for now, it’s me, my couch, my ESPN, my laptop, and my Skyzoo catalog. lol.

  • http://www.facebook.com/autumnjoy.lee Autumn Joy

    I dig this. I NEVER wanted to get married until I got in a serious relationship after a couple of years. Didn’t want to be a mother either. I’m not into the kids like that & I’ve learned it’s okay to be that woman who really isn’t into motherhood- or not into rushing it, at least. Sometimes, in love, feelings change. MY last name ain’t though. I can’t tell you how many fights I’ve had about that one… We’ve tabled that one…

  • Brownbelle

    Interesting. I share your concerns about wife- and motherhood being all consuming & that’s one reason why I want to wait at least 4 or 5 years before I have a kid (I’m 24 so the clock hasn’t even started ticking yet, lol). Plus, nobody seems to want to admit that for all the joy children bring, they are just as much work and that work never. ever. ends. It takes a lot of time & energy to be a good parent, and anyone who *knows* deep down that they are not ready for, or even built to do that is making a fantastic decision to remain childless. There are so many unwanted kids out there, why are we pressuring folks to create more?

    Now, I can’t relate to not *ever* wanting to be married–marriage (to the RIGHT person) always seemed like the best thing since sliced bread to me. And I’m engaged to a wonderful guy. But self-validation is a great thing! I like my space too, and I’m glad to be with someone who doesn’t see it as a slight that I need a life & identity outside of him despite the fact that I’m taking his last name. I fully believe that more or less egalitarian relationships do exist, but they take more work and you have to find someone who welcomes that challenge. For instance, the mister is teaching himself how to cook so that when we get married, it’s not all on me to do that. If he’s over my house and it’s laundry day, he pitches in and doesn’t act like he’s coming down from Mt. Sinai to do it. The thing is, traditional roles are the default and few people want to endure the backlash from bucking the trend.

  • http://blackdiamond2008.blogspot.com ASmith

    I want you to understand how this post is everything. I don’t have the words to adequately describe the ways in which it is everything, but it is. I hit holy stomp praises I didn’t know I knew!

    I’ve been trying to figure out why it is so hard for me to relate to some of my friends and the ends to which they are willing to go to have or keep a boo. I just… Lord Jesus… and when I see the sacrifices folks are making, I’m like “nawl, Jesus can’t POSSIBLY want that for me.”

    I’m all about reasonable sacrifice, but when you’ve worked hard like I’ve worked to be yourself unapologetically… sacrificing that is just NOT an option (as you so eloquently stated).

  • shardonay frierson

    Because when you dedicate great periods of time to accepting and becoming yourself, you tend to feel a bit queasy when someone demands that you be and answer to something/someone else.

    This statement sums it up for me.

  • http://twitter.com/SducedBySuccess Alexa Thompson

    Woah. This really spoke to me. I’m barely 22, but everyone one around me is having kids, getting married, or already married. Some people don’t understand why I’d rather focus on me, but you painted my feelings with your words in this one. Love it.

  • http://nakiahansen.com Nakia H.

    Had to revisit this post because 1. I forgot to comment earlier; 2. I was enjoying the solitude and quiet peace of my apartment; 3. you called me your “spirit animal” LOL.

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