#30in30 Day Ten: Half Notes Scattered

…as you are very good at hiding your true feelings. In fact, you may be almost pathological in your secretiveness, never revealing yourself entirely. Very few people ever know very much about what goes on inside you.  – As read in my natal chart, regarding my Moon in Scorpio.

Yesterday was an odd day. Thanks to a fantastic weekend (which will be the subject of a future post as I catch up on my #30in30 challenge), I walked into Monday feeling incredibly whole and happy. Giddy almost. But something happened between my office and home that pulled me into one of my unidentifiable moods. That’s the thing about being a highly emotional person who hates that she’s emotional. I’m so dismissive of my feelings that I’ll fall into brooding with no real knowledge of what the hell is wrong with me.

I felt lost. I know what my idle mind can do to me, so I tried to keep it busy. I turned on the Raiders and Cowboys game, but it was so slow and uninteresting that it couldn’t keep my attention. I cracked open Danielle LaPorte’s “The Fire Starter Sessions” and skimmed through the first chapter (which I’d read before) and couldn’t lend that my full attention either. I then decided to re-read the natal chart I had worked up two years ago during my break up with CJ when I was trying to remember what parts of me where mine and what parts I’d built specifically to deal with him.

And I knew exactly which part I wanted to read. I bypassed the description of my sun sign (Libra, as I state often and proudly). I held off on reading my Leo rising. I went straight to my moon sign, which according to the stars, explains our emotional life beneath the surface. I’m a Scorpio moon. And being the leaning-toward-the-light Libra that I am, I associate Scorpio with a kind of darkness and brooding that I don’t want to claim. I don’t want to be associated with its sensitivity.

But it’s there and it’s part of my make-up. I am prone to brooding. I am highly sensitive. And in defense of these things I’ve created filters to keep what I call “the ugly parts” from bubbling to the surface. I pride myself on emotional control and creating my friendships and relationships in ways where I can give people the pieces of me that I’m comfortable with sharing. I’m pretty sure the last person I allowed to see the complete me was CJ and he was so confused by my contradictions  I decided after it ended to make my emotions my business. I deal with them privately and quietly. Sometimes I let them play out on paper. Sometimes I ignore them altogether. But I just can’t go spilling them everywhere. I can’t tolerate emotional messiness. Not even my own.

I think my detachment is catching up to me because lately I’ve been craving some kind of connection. Mostly spiritual. I can recall how it feels to be full of something larger than myself and I miss that feeling. Perhaps that’s the source of these moods I’ve found myself in lately. Or it could just be hormones swinging every which way as I am in the midst of my  monthly meeting with mother nature.

I’ll check back on it in a week.