Need a ride to crazy, ma'am?
I didn’t realize it until yesterday but I have been slightly out of my mind for the last month or so. Little circumstances have been kicking my ass as of late. My car has decided now that its reached the 100K mile mark, it hates me. I’ve spent $500 in the last month repairing that car and it still rides like a damn Model T Ford even though Sears has assured me that there is nothing wrong with it. I guess it’s just me that feels like I’m on a wooden roller coaster when I ride down the street. Whatever.
I’ve also been a bit of a horny mess. For reasons that are hush hush, I’m currently fighting the war of Celibacy Blues with no forseeable exit strategy in the near future. My long time readers know how I am. I’m not a hornball, but I am a sensually expressive person. Don’t need it all the time, but when I want it, I want it. And I get pissed when I can’t have it.
Thanks to my financial recklessness, I got into trouble with my bank last week and ended up forking over about $600 in fees. $600 that I damn sure could not afford to spend. I think I broke down in tears twice at work within the last seven days. Oh well, now they know the temp has financial issues. Whatever.
Icing on the cake? I did not celebrate Mother’s Day. Nothing against my mother, but I’m just not into Hallmark holidays anymore. Furthermore, holidays are for families and none of the family that I’m actually close to was in town. Some relatives came in, but I dipped out for the day because honestly, I did not want to be bothered. I have no energy to force relationships that are just not going to happen. I love my relatives, but I do so from a safe distance. Anywhoo, my mother pitches a fit and decides that she’s not speaking to me. That really doesn’t bother me. She talks a lot and when I’m at home I like quiet time. So it’s actually been rather peaceful not having her say anything to me for the last four days.
Tuesday night everything came to a head. I was pissed and emotional and drained. Life was starting to feel too hard. And that feeling scared me. With my history of anxiety and depression, I’m always aware of when I’m teetering too close to that downward spiral. So I told myself that I would take Wednesday slowly, one hour at a time so not to get too anxious.
Wednesday morning, as I filed papers at work, it dawned on me that I did not want to be crazy and I got angry. But it was a good angry. Because something inside of me woke up and said, If you think that after all I’ve been through I’m gonna let this simple shit pull me back down that road you have got me fucked up. I worked too damn hard to get well to let anyone or anything fuck that up. Shit happens, that’s life, but shit will not make me crazy.
There are times in life where a peaceful spirit is needed, but there are also some battles that can only be won by a warrior. I’ve been trying so hard to be zen and spiritual that I forgot about the fighter that dwells within. She comes out only when needed and she does not play that shit. Hearing that part of me speak made me feel powerful and reminded me that I’m strong enough to ride out any storm.
Yesterday I came up with a saying, “I get to crazy just fine by myself. I don’t need any chauffeurs.” Life has its ups and downs, but there is no person or obstacle worth making myself sick. So yes, on the outside I will continue to emit positivity as best I can, but do not get it twisted. There is a guardian whose sole job is to protect my sanity and like I said before, she don’t play that shit.
