I'm No Lolita

First and foremost, I have to shout out the homey JG for inspiring this post with her piece on Cougars, The Hunted Becomes the Hunter over at Rants of a Wild Child.  Between reading the post and a text message exchange I had with a 35+ male friend of mine, I began to understand my dating habits. I rarely date anyone more than two years older than me. And every man I’ve been intimate with has been anywhere from a few months to a year and a half younger than me.   

It’s not that I cannot attract older men. I’ve drawn quite a few handsome, intelligent and very established brothers. The kind of eligible bachelors that a mid20something like myself should be anxious to settle down with, correct? I’ve been taken to great restaurants, offered a few all-expenses paid trips, even had one cook me dinner complete with good wine.  Unfortunately for these fellas, I’ve enjoyed sitting on CJ’s couch, reading a book with my feet in his lap as he plays NBA 2K9 more than any of these occasions. 

Thanks for the gift, but can we turn to the game now?

The older men that have tried to pursue me have all ultimately tried to do one of two things that I find wholly unattractive: 1.) woo me and  2.) teach/advise me.

I do not like to be wooed, especially if I’m just getting to know a guy. So pulling out any romantic stops for a first date is a no-no. Candlelight dinners, soft music… No and no. You’d better order a pizza,  turn on a basketball game and stay on your end of the couch if you want me to consider seeing you again. I like the laid back approach of guys my age and slightly younger when it comes to dating. It doesn’t feel all “date-y” but like two homies just chillin’, whether we’re at a movie or out for drinks or watching a game.  If I have yet to relate to a man on a homey level, then I won’t relate to him on a romantic level.  The older men that I’ve encountered don’t get this. I don’t know if they’re used to older women who enjoy more romance up front or if they think they’re giving themselves an advantage over the tenderonies. Either way, wooing me too soon is an EPIC FAIL in my book. 

I detest being taught if I don’t ask for a lesson. I’m hard-headed and feel that my way is the best way of doing things for myself until I find a better way. Period.  In my experience, older guys are always “tryna learn ya something.”  I thought it was cute in the beginning when a certain guy took me to a bookstore and picked out books by black intellectuals that he thought I should read. After awhile, though I felt as if I was being molded into something that didn’t fit me.  Did I mind riding around in a luxury car listening to NPR? Not really. But am I more comfy in my dented ’04 Lancer bumpin T.I.? Sure am.  More truth about me: I despise the word should. My actions are divided into three categories: what I’ve done, what I’m doing and what I’m going to do, all of which I get around to on my own damn pace without coersion or unsolicited advice. So older dudes attempting to get in good by utilizing the teacher/mentor role? FAIL FAIL FAIL. 

I’ve had men and women alike tell me that my decision to steer clear of older fellas is a dating mistake.  I’ve heard “You know men mature slower than we do,” and “These young dudes aren’t ready to settle down.” I’ve even had someone say, “I don’t like younger men with evolved women.”  I guess I must pick from the Cream of the Youngn’ Crop because most guys I’ve dated have been smart enough to keep up with me and challenge me when need be. They’ve had fairly good taste in entertainment (I raise an occasional brow at some of CJ’s stuff but he knows good music so it’s cool). All were goal oriented and behaved appropriately for their age. Add to all of this the fact that I’m not husband shopping at all and you’ve got a young lady with a pretty happy dating life sanz the older “sophisticated” type.

So while the other girls are having their fun flirting with the big boys, I’m perfectly content to play in my own sandbox. Hey babe, pass me a shovel